I just came back from a power walk to the beach. On that walk, I realized something and many somethings. First; I am hanging up my jogging shoes for walking shoes. A metaphor. My shoes are still the same: They have evolved, as I have evolved. Throughout my life I have been running. Running and perfecting. We as humans are not perfect no matter how hard we try. These expectations steal your soul. It steals your life
I have realized on this walk tonight that I have not lived. Over the past few months, I feel alive. Yes, I was extremely happy over the last years, but I did not live life. I strived to be the best of the best. When I failed, I was ashamed and embarrassed. For those who were and are close to me know exactly what I am talking about.
Over the last few months, I healed my heart, I found my soul, I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. I laughed so hard I snorted. I loved so hard my heart began to beat again. I realized who I am. I am loved and I can love.
My home is now messy and some days I do nothing productive, but I feel complete. My lists seem to go missing and it doesn’t matter if they do anymore. My lists are now shorter these days as the precious things in life don’t need to be written on a list. They are embedded in my heart and in my mind. I sleep at night. Not like I used to. I would wake and wonder what if. Worry about tomorrow. Now I sleep and dream, I dream about life, I dream about yesterday, Never tomorrow as I now realize there is no control of tomorrows. Every day is a new life. All I need to do is make one decision. My decision for the day is to wake up feeling alive, feeling loved, feeling happy. Serene, as my days evolve now, not planned.
I have become forgetful because the thoughts I remember are the most important thoughts at the moment. Everything else is nonexistent as I am living in the moment and not in the future of what ifs and what could be.
In the last few months, I have realized I crave life, not existence. I crave love, not hate or anger. I have a glow about me now as I have been told. My eyes sparkle; my lips smile…energy from within has been born.
I feel pretty these last few months, even if I do not put on makeup, style my hair or shave my legs. My wrinkles are a testimony of my past; my smile will be my legacy towards my future.
In the last few months, I can hear, but not hear as I have in the past. I can hear the song birds in the morning, I hear the lyrics of songs that I have listened to for over 50 years, but did not know the words or the story.
I can see clearly now. My eyes have become the open window to the world, my world and existence. I see like I have never seen before. I see the petals of flowers, the buds on the trees, the clouds in the sky. Like a child laying on the sand looking towards the sky. The stars now sparkle. On a moonlight paddle, I gazed at the stars in the sky only to realize the bats were dancing to the light of the moon. We were dancing on the calm waters, my eyes absorbed the dark sky, the light of the moon and the sense of sight flowed through my body as never before.
My skin, the largest organ of the human body, a sense of touch, the air on your neck, the feel of the radiant heat, the cool breeze, goose bumps on my leg, the hair on the back of your neck, peach fuzz on my cheeks. I have learned over the last few months and I can feel it all for the first time.
Take nothing for granted…
Over the last few months, I taste. Not just food, water or beer. I can taste. I taste the energy within. The thought of an animal forfeiting their life to give us nourishment. A sacrifice we must respect. Michael Pollen’s book, The Omnivore’s Dilemma says it all. The plants, fruits, vegetables, and grains we prepare and consume. The simplicity of enjoying a meal, every bite, the energy you need, the energy created, the energy spent. The savory, the sweetness, the bitters, the salt.
Yes, I have evolved. I am me and I am alive.